fluids

I squeezed a lemon today, just to test for firmness. My alabaster skin glistened as the juice poured down my face. It stung as it flowed through my eyeballs and down my cheeks like sour tears of ... lemon. I asked Steve if he's ever made love to a woman. He described the most unusual sexual experience I could imagine.

 

Have you ever performed a spin so spectacularly that you thought you could join the ballet?

 

I dropped two coffee beans in my mug of Proof Scotch. I thought the beans would counteract the effect alcohol would have on my ability to keep thoughts to myself. Instead it did quite the opposite. I told a wide-hipped woman that she ought to turn sideways when coming down the escalator. The result was less eventful than I would have you assume.

 

Shakespeare? More like Shagspeare.

 

My father was a glover, my mother was a glover, my brother was a glover. Me, I suture wounds for a living.

 

Sometimes I cover my entire body with temporary tattoos to remind myself that my life is almost over. Sometimes my girlfriend covers my shoulders with hickies to remind me that love is a heavy burden to carry.

 

I built a time machine today to travel back to yesterday. I needed to tell my past self to brush my teeth before I went to bed. Cavities can creep up on you if you're not careful.