utility

His fat little boy hand clutched the stick of gum. It had grown soft and malleable from the combination of sweat and heat radiating forth from his plumpness. He shoved it into his fat little boy mouth as saliva permeated this sweet morsel. Later that day he choked to death. Gum was his demise.

The young gentleman with side swept hair was a layered individual. He wore an unpresuming dress shirt done up to the highest botton. On top of that was a demure sweater. They all hated his many layers and I called him up to tell him so. Maybe if he wasn't so robotic.

Habits formed in him habitually. And he couldn't break them as easily as one would hope. They called him Habit Harry, and rightly so. He was always bogging the rest of us down. He cleared his nose nine times daily. It was a habit of his. I found it got in the way of my quiet time.

Someone once told me to always be prepared in life. How could I? I carried a pink casket of mace everyday and never used it. One night at dinner I realised my meal was lacking a kick. My cupboards were bare. I thought of the spicy liquid that had been sloshing around in its coffin for years, underutilized. I thought maybe the worst thing one could ever be in life was underutilized, and so I donned a mask. I lightly misted the dish and then sprayed a little more. Perhaps it had lost its gusto with time. And with one bite it felt as if I had been punched in the back of the throat by the robust leg of a kangaroo. How should one prepare for that? 

politics

I asked the cat to lick my aching dogs. I found the rough tongue soothing to my weathered calluses. It brought them back to life again.

My uncle once told me to never throw a leaf on a saw. It's the one piece of advice I have always heeded. I remind myself of that everyday.

I always thought Jefferson was the first black President.

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice. I wish the same was true of my girlfriend. I find domestic abuse emasculating. Two other things that emascualte me are when my cat disobeys orders to lick my feet and the fact that I deliberately tried to spell "emasculate" as "demasculate". I thought it made more sense. I dethroned your father, I deflowered your sister and even your mother's pleading sobs could not deter me.

I tell every political candidate that comes to the door that I will vote for him/her. If they don't keep promises then why should I? Today I looked through the window at one. Her sweet, hopeful face stirred something deep inside of me. I ducked down quickly so she couldn't see me. Then I ran out onto the balcony and torpedoed a water balloon straight to the top of her head. I guess that thing she stirred inside me was mischievousness.

no and then

forgetful patients are the hardest to treat

and then a mild girl comes with a child who has been scratching his face so he has to have his nails filed. The dust piles. Not a real emergency, hopefully next time she'll think before she dials.

and then the window opens up for the first time and it's like I have a renewed thirst as a burst of sunlight shines through and then a man reaches in and slaps me in the face and I realise once again that I am forever cursed.

and then I head to the gym because in my head I need it. I run 10 minutes on the treadmill, my legs feel like lead, I am defeated.

them

The sweat pouring forth your pores stinks of puberty. You sit and devour a peanutty chocolate bar. You walk the rest of the way.

His hamstring is stretched to the point of no return. It snaps in two. He regrets signing up for hot yoga.

Her life partner cuts her hair short as a sign of love and pride. She is no longer attracted to this short-do'd lady. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Their bottoms graze as they bend to sit on the toilet. He wishes she didn't drink those three cups of coffee today. She realizes this toilet was made for one.

blogenstein

Can a very big head fit through this doorway? I hate it when people ignore May. Meaning the month of May because it only has three letters. That doesn't make it any less of a month. It has a full 31 days unlike some other months that I won't mention. And not because I don't know which ones they are.


What if I widened the frame? Well then, we would have only the head to blame. You can't really blame a head though. It's not its fault it's so big.


Have you ever used the word "its" three times in one sentence and felt proud? If you did you'd tell everyone in a blog...if you were allowed. Not everyone's allowed to write a blog. Like people with famous last names. It's not so much that they're not allowed, it's more like no one wants to hear what they have to say.


If a humongous head fell in the woods would it make a sound? I like using homophones together in sentences I've recently found. If you don't know what a homophone is at this point in your life then you never will. You can't teach a big head new tricks.

To win back Jared

My roommate Jared hates me
He renders me invalid,
He negates me.

I made a ceasar salad,
Crushed up anchovies,
All while singing his favourite ballad. 

Fried up some perogies,
The food of Polish people,
Invited him to my orgies.

And yet he still hates, thinks I'm feeble.
Kicks me in the face,
Punctures my pride on a steeple.

fluids

I squeezed a lemon today, just to test for firmness. My alabaster skin glistened as the juice poured down my face. It stung as it flowed through my eyeballs and down my cheeks like sour tears of ... lemon. I asked Steve if he's ever made love to a woman. He described the most unusual sexual experience I could imagine.

 

Have you ever performed a spin so spectacularly that you thought you could join the ballet?

 

I dropped two coffee beans in my mug of Proof Scotch. I thought the beans would counteract the effect alcohol would have on my ability to keep thoughts to myself. Instead it did quite the opposite. I told a wide-hipped woman that she ought to turn sideways when coming down the escalator. The result was less eventful than I would have you assume.

 

Shakespeare? More like Shagspeare.

 

My father was a glover, my mother was a glover, my brother was a glover. Me, I suture wounds for a living.

 

Sometimes I cover my entire body with temporary tattoos to remind myself that my life is almost over. Sometimes my girlfriend covers my shoulders with hickies to remind me that love is a heavy burden to carry.

 

I built a time machine today to travel back to yesterday. I needed to tell my past self to brush my teeth before I went to bed. Cavities can creep up on you if you're not careful.