Tuesday, 22 February 2011


Can a very big head fit through this doorway? I hate it when people ignore May. Meaning the month of May because it only has three letters. That doesn't make it any less of a month. It has a full 31 days unlike some other months that I won't mention. And not because I don't know which ones they are.

What if I widened the frame? Well then, we would have only the head to blame. You can't really blame a head though. It's not its fault it's so big.

Have you ever used the word "its" three times in one sentence and felt proud? If you did you'd tell everyone in a blog...if you were allowed. Not everyone's allowed to write a blog. Like people with famous last names. It's not so much that they're not allowed, it's more like no one wants to hear what they have to say.

If a humongous head fell in the woods would it make a sound? I like using homophones together in sentences I've recently found. If you don't know what a homophone is at this point in your life then you never will. You can't teach a big head new tricks.

Monday, 21 February 2011

To win back Jared

My roommate Jared hates me
He renders me invalid,
He negates me.

I made a ceasar salad,
Crushed up anchovies,
All while singing his favourite ballad. 

Fried up some perogies,
The food of Polish people,
Invited him to my orgies.

And yet he still hates, thinks I'm feeble.
Kicks me in the face,
Punctures my pride on a steeple.

Thursday, 17 February 2011


I squeezed a lemon today, just to test for firmness. My alabaster skin glistened as the juice poured down my face. It stung as it flowed through my eyeballs and down my cheeks like sour tears of ... lemon. I asked Steve if he's ever made love to a woman. He described the most unusual sexual experience I could imagine.
Have you ever performed a spin so spectacularly that you thought you could join the ballet?
I dropped two coffee beans in my mug of Proof Scotch. I thought the beans would counteract the effect alcohol would have on my ability to keep thoughts to myself. Instead it did quite the opposite. I told a wide-hipped woman that she ought to turn sideways when coming down the escalator. The result was less eventful than I would have you assume.
Shakespeare? More like Shagspeare.
My father was a glover, my mother was a glover, my brother was a glover. Me, I suture wounds for a living.
Sometimes I cover my entire body with temporary tattoos to remind myself that my life is almost over. Sometimes my girlfriend covers my shoulders with hickies to remind me that love is a heavy burden to carry.
I built a time machine today to travel back to yesterday. I needed to tell my past self to brush my teeth before I went to bed. Cavities can creep up on you if you're not careful.