Have you ever performed a spin so spectacularly that you thought you could join the ballet?
I dropped two coffee beans in my mug of Proof Scotch. I thought the beans would counteract the effect alcohol would have on my ability to keep thoughts to myself. Instead it did quite the opposite. I told a wide-hipped woman that she ought to turn sideways when coming down the escalator. The result was less eventful than I would have you assume.
Shakespeare? More like Shagspeare.
My father was a glover, my mother was a glover, my brother was a glover. Me, I suture wounds for a living.
Sometimes I cover my entire body with temporary tattoos to remind myself that my life is almost over. Sometimes my girlfriend covers my shoulders with hickies to remind me that love is a heavy burden to carry.
I built a time machine today to travel back to yesterday. I needed to tell my past self to brush my teeth before I went to bed. Cavities can creep up on you if you're not careful.